


breath to breath

by neocxxlture



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: College!AU, Drinking, F/M, M/M, Oh my god they are roommates, Pining, Slow Burn-ish, bisexual juyeon just because, jukyu rise!!, juyeon best boy:(, roommates/one night stand to friends to lovers, westernized setting, you know how that's gonna go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 05:00:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26560099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neocxxlture/pseuds/neocxxlture
Summary: They both move into the dorm on the same day, only Juyeon is quicker. He is already unpacking the last of his suitcase when Changmin makes it to their new room. The door is standing ajar, and there’s music coming from within, a track that Changmin thinks would be perfect to dance to. He’s not quite sure what he expects his new roommate to look like, but it’s not quite this – not a tall and lean but muscular, drop-dead gorgeous guy.
Relationships: Ji Changmin | Q/Lee Juyeon
Comments: 21
Kudos: 243





	breath to breath

**Author's Note:**

> i had jukyu brainworms and i had to write this. this is probably the most self-indulgent thing i've ever done and i love it ok enjoy!! <333

☀

Changmin leans against the wall next to his dorm room’s door, a sigh escaping past his lips. He was hoping the room would be clear by now – it’s after noon on a Saturday, for goodness‘ sake – but one of Juyeon’s socks is still knotted around the doorknob, the same way it was the night before when Changmin came back and found it there after the evening‘s post football match party.

He slides down along the wall to sit on the floor, fishing his phone out of his team jacket’s pocket. He quickly finds Juyeon’s name on top of his messages and taps out: _is it safe to go in?_

Another one follows: _i really need to take a shower and sleep_

Through the door he hears Juyeon’s phone ping twice with the incoming texts, but there is no immediate reply. Changmin settles against the wall to wait, closing his eyes. He is exhausted, really, barely keeping himself on his feet this morning. It is a miracle he even made it back to his room, he thinks. He has not slept a wink that night – he had to find another place to be after finding his and Juyeon’s shared room occupied – and all his friends were still out celebrating the team’s win.

The rest of the night (and early morning) is a bit of a blur in his head. Changmin remembers someone’s dorm room, dimmed neon lights, music pounding in his head and shaking his core. He remembers Sunwoo challenging him to a drinking match, he remembers dancing. He remembers Chanhee at the edge of the crowd nursing a bright red cup in his hands and carefully avoiding his eyes. He remembers thinking about Juyeon with his faceless, nameless companion in their room. He remembers Sangyeon and Jaehyun and the McDonald’s drive through at dawn, spilling food over the center console, Jaehyun’s laughter booming in Sangyeon’s small car.

He crashed in their room in the late morning, sat at Sangyeon’s desk with his phone in his hands and earphones in his ears, wasting time watching videos. (Even though Sangyeon offered him his bed if he wanted to lie down and sleep the night off, which Changmin refused, because he’d already imposed on them too much already and because he just really wanted to crash in his own bed in his own room and sleep undisturbed until the next morning, or, at the very least, until the evening.

“I’m serious, you can take my bed if you want to.” Sangyeon said, exhaustion in his voice mixing with genuine concern for Changmin’s well-being.

“Then what about you?” Changmin asked.

Sangyeon made a vague gesture in the direction of Jaehyun sprawled out on his bed, “We can share, or something.”

Jaehyun said, face pressed into the pillow, voice muffled by the fabric, “I’ll sleep on the floor, I don’t fucking care.”

Changmin laughed, and shook his head, “No. I’m really fine. I’ll just wait a bit and then get out of your hair.” He added, “Thank you, though.”

Sangyeon eyed him for moment longer, as if deciding whether to push the issue, but in the end, he only shrugged and headed for the bathroom.

“Why can’t you just go back to your room, again?” came Jaehyun’s sleepy voice, and Changmin found his curious eyes trained on him.

He answered and hoped his voice sounded disinterested enough, “Juyeon’s got someone over. They’re usually gone by ten.” He glanced at his phone’s watch to assess the time – he still had over an hour to kill.

“Ah,” Jaehyun said, as if he just remembered something he already knew but forgot for a moment, “Right.” With that, he rolled over, and the room was plunged into silence.

Changmin didn’t go back until noon – he wanted to be sure that whoever was with Juyeon in their room was long gone by the time he made it back, so he detoured for breakfast at the tiny convenience store at the end of campus – but it still wasn’t enough. Seeing the sock on the door, his stomach twisted into unpleasant knots.

Changmin manages to doze off while he waits. He is woken by the sound of the door opening, and looks up just in time to see a somewhat-familiar pretty dark haired girl exit the room, followed closely by Juyeon – ruffled and sleepy looking, clad only in a thin white t-shirt and boxers, hair disheveled but still looking good.

“Alright, well, I’ll see you?” the girl says, rather awkwardly, but Juyeon either does not notice or ignores it. He offers her a warm smile that takes up his entire face, “Yeah. Call me?”

The girl says, “I will,” and then she’s gone.

Changmin gets to his feet.

Juyeon, staring after the girl’s retreating form down the hallway, notices the movement. When his eyes meet Changmin’s, his expression turns apologetic, though the smile never slips off his mouth. Changmin sort of wishes it would. “Sorry about that,” Juyeon says, stepping back into the room to let Changmin in, “Hope you didn’t wait long.”

_Just the entire night,_ Changmin thinks, somewhat bitterly. He shrugs, “Not really.” Then, “Who was she? I feel like I’ve seen her before.”

Juyeon takes the sock off the doorknob and closes the door. “She’s a cheerleader.”

As soon as the words leave his mouth, Changmin recognizes her. He has seen her around with Seulgi before, though he never got to learn her name. “I think she’s one of Seulgi’s friends.” he says.

Juyeon settles back on his bed, arm behind his head, “Is she? That’s good. It means we got at least one friend in common.”

Changmin offers a smile he does not really feel inside, “Guess so!”

He quickly gathers some clothes – something comfortable to sleep in – and heads for the bathroom before Juyeon can say anything else.

When he returns to the room, he finds Juyeon leaned against the headboard, phone in his hands, a dopey smile gracing his lips. He is texting someone. Changmin doesn’t need to guess who’s on the other side.

Juyeon looks so happy, eyes betraying hopeful, cautious joy. Changmin looks away and instead looks for his phone charger on his desk.

“That her?” he asks casually, indicating Juyeon’s phone with a jerk of his chin.

“Yeah,” Juyeon replies, meeting his eyes for a moment. “We’re still talking.”

Changmin lies down on his bed, “Will you be seeing her again?”

Juyeon makes a gesture with his hand, “I think so?” And then, with a shy smile, “I hope so. She’s great.”

Something on the screen of his phone captures his attention then, and Changmin watches his fingers fly as he types a response to whatever text he just received. When Juyeon stops typing, he says, “I have a good feeling about this.”

Changmin settles under the covers, his back to the room. His gut squirms – probably the shitty brunch he had a while before.

“Then I hope it works out for you,” he says, and despite everything, he finds that he means it.

☀

It does not work out. Changmin cannot say that he’s surprised. He’s seen it happen too many times before.

It usually goes like this: Juyeon hooks up with someone, likes them enough to think it could develop into something more, spends some time giving his all to a person that, inevitably, dumps him a couple weeks later. Then Changmin has to see him go through weeks of sad expressions, even sadder music and extra hours put in at the university gym while he bounces back, only to do it all over again, rinse and repeat.

Changmin hates it.

This time it goes like this: the girl stops responding to Juyeon’s messages after ten days. It takes twelve days for Juyeon to start going around campus visibly upset, and fifteen for the soulful music to fill the crevices of their dorm room.

Changmin _hates_ it.

He drags Juyeon out one night, after practice, because he cannot bear to look at his sullen expression any longer. They get take-out at the cheap but tasty place two blocks over from campus and go for drinks at the nearest establishment. They go dancing because Juyeon likes dancing; Changmin takes him by the wrist and they make their way through sweaty bodies and hot air to the dance floor. They take a midnight stroll through the city streets, afterwards, getting something to snack on at a street food stall, and they walk aimlessly around and talk.

(It reminds Changmin of a similar night two years ago, but he forces himself not to think about that.)

He hopes it’s enough of a distraction to take Juyeon’s mind off the girl and that whole situation, but he’s proven wrong as soon as Juyeon falls silent beside him. The night is clear; it is chilly, but not unpleasantly so.

After a while, Juyeon asks, “Can I ask you something?” Changmin nods, and Juyeon continues, “Am I– “ and he cuts himself off, thinks it over, then tries again, “What’s wrong with me?”

“Wrong with you?” Changmin echoes, surprised at the turn his question took, “Nothing’s wrong with you.”

“No, like,” Juyeon tries to explain himself, but he seems to be unable to do so. “Am I just– “ a pause again, “not interesting enough?”

Changmin frowns, “What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Juyeon says, and it’s then that Changmin notices the weary tone in his voice, “None of them ever wanna stick around. So what am I doing wrong?”

“Nothing,” Changmin repeats, but Juyeon shakes his head.

“But it must be _something._ It’s like– “ he makes a vague gesture with his hand, “I don’t know. I meet someone, we hit it off, I like them, they like me – or I think they do, anyway, and then just… then they want nothing to do with me. After. They don’t even want to be friends with me.”

Changmin suddenly feels bone-deep tired. He sighs, but tries for a light tone, “Didn’t Friendzone teach you anything? Sex is the fastest way to destroy a friendship, budding or otherwise.”

“Well,” Juyeon considers that, “but _we_ were okay. We’re still friends.”

Changmin ignores the way his chest tightens at the words, “That’s different.”

“How so?” Juyeon asks.

Changmin wishes they never started this conversation. He scrambles for an answer. “Because we’re roommates. It was either be okay, or let it become awkward for the rest of the year. Rest of uni, even.”

Juyeon fixes him with a searching gaze. A second passes before he speaks again – a second that feels like a lifetime to Changmin, “So you’re saying we wouldn’t have been friends if we weren’t roommates?”

“I,” Changmin blinks. He _really_ wishes they never started this conversation. “No. No, of course not. I think we would have been friends, but I think that living together was also a factor, that’s all.”

They fall silent, walking quietly side by side for a while before Changmin realizes that Juyeon probably still expects some sort of advice from him. He takes a deep breath. “Look,” he starts, in what he hopes is a comforting voice, “I think… I think that next time, when you meet someone, you should make sure that they want the same things out of the relationship that you do.”

From the corner of his eye, he sees that Juyeon turned his head to look at him, but Changmin keeps his gaze trained in front of him. He goes on, “If you want to date, if you don’t want it to be casual, then just tell them. Make sure you’re on the same page, and if you’re not, then…” He lets the rest of the sentence hang in the air between them, the meaning self-evident even without him spelling it to Juyeon out loud.

And then he tells Juyeon something he wanted to tell him for some time, “You’re allowed to be selfish about this, you know. You don’t just need to give and get nothing back.” Because that’s what Juyeon does – what he’s been doing since freshman year, since Changmin’s known him – he gives all of himself away to anyone that comes his way, and never asks for anything in return. He trusts easily, he likes easily, and so his heart, too, breaks easily.

He finally meets Juyeon’s eyes because his stare at the side of his face feels like it burns. Juyeon nods, acknowledgement of Changmin’s words, but it is a toss-up whether he’s going to take them to heart. Changmin hopes he does. He hopes Juyeon finds someone that will see him, really _see_ him, the way that he is – lovely traits and charming traits and sometimes-annoying-as-hell traits all rolled into one incredibly good-looking exterior – and that they will decide to stay and finally make Juyeon happy the way he deserves to be.

Even if that someone will not be Changmin.

Changmin lets out a soft sigh. The rest of their walk to their room they spend in contemplative silence.

☀

The truth of it is, Changmin does think he and Juyeon would not have become friends if they weren’t forced to live together, especially after what happened between them freshman year.

Changmin does not like to think about that time of his life, because it is not something he’s proud of. His first year at university was marked with constant anxiety – about living at the dormitory, about making it through the semester and the exams, and then the next semester, everything new and in need of getting used to – and it was only made worse by the Juyeon situation, and then the Chanhee situation. Changmin has made some stupid decisions that he has come to regret since then, but he tries not to let it torment him. In the end what’s done is done, and there is nothing he can do to change it.

At least with Juyeon, they’re still friends.

🌙

It goes like this:

They both move into the dorm on the same day, only Juyeon is quicker. He is already unpacking the last of his suitcase when Changmin makes it to their new room. The door is standing ajar, and there’s music coming from within, a track that Changmin thinks would be perfect to dance to. He’s not quite sure what he expects his new roommate to look like, but it’s not quite this – not a tall and lean but muscular, drop-dead gorgeous guy.

He offers Changmin a shy smile as he greets him and introduces himself, but he carries himself in a way that lets Changmin know that he’s fully aware he’s handsome, and likes that other people find him that way. At a first glance, he seems like a typical jock – but Changmin reserves his judgement for when he gets to know him better.

Couple weeks later, he still feels like he knows nothing about Juyeon, except for some small stuff – that he likes dance music, that he’s a decent cook, that he spends a lot of time at the gym. He’s more serious and reserved than Changmin assumed him to be, even though he’s friendly enough.

And so, to break the ice that seems to still linger between them, Changmin asks Juyeon to hang out outside of the room. First, they have dinner at the campus restaurant, then have a few beers. It seems like food and alcohol is enough to loosen Juyeon’s tongue, and finally Changmin starts to learn something real about him. Juyeon not only enjoys dance music, but he likes to dance and Changmin is ecstatic because what a coincidence, so does Changmin – and from there, the conversation flows.

They end up at a club nearby, dancing and drinking some more. Then they walk around, find something to snack on, and talk.

At some point later in the night, Juyeon asks him, “Are you dating anyone?”

Changmin feels his cheeks warm, but that’s probably just the beer he had. “No,” he answers, and then adds with a laugh, “And you don’t have to worry, I won’t be bringing any boys into our room.”

Changmin watches Juyeon’s expression for any reaction to the subtle admission he let slip, but Juyeon only laughs as well, “I wasn’t worried.”

“What about you?” Changmin asks him, “Have a girlfriend?”

“Oh, no, no girlfriend at the moment,” Juyeon answers easily, and adds, like an afterthought, “No boyfriend, either.”

It takes a splinter of a second for the words to register in Changmin’s brain – Juyeon’s own admission. “Okay,” he says, face burning, hoping Juyeon can’t see or doesn’t notice, “Should I be worried about _you_ bringing someone into our room, then?”

Juyeon smiles sheepishly and says, “Probably.”

🌙

The way to the dorm is hazy in Changmin’s mind. It’s like between point A and point B there’s nothing but a grey fog, and then they’re stumbling into their room, Changmin first, Juyeon following after him. Changmin starts taking off his sneakers and loses balance, somehow; and he doesn’t fall only because of Juyeon who reaches for his arms to stabilize him as soon as he notices Changmin sway where he’s struggling with his shoes.

Changmin straightens and turns to thank him; and finds Juyeon much closer than he anticipated. The words die in his throat as they look at each other. Juyeon is standing so close to him that Changmin can feel the heat of his body through his shirt, and he’s still holding Changmin’s arms like he’s worried he might fall if he lets go. Juyeon’s gaze drops to Changmin’s lips for a moment before lifting back to his eyes. Other than that, he doesn’t move.

Changmin makes the first of his stupid freshman year decisions.

He leans in and kisses Juyeon. Somewhere in the back of his mind he’s aware of just how dumb of an idea this is but it is overshadowed by the bigger part of his brain that simply wants to kiss Juyeon in that moment, and he gives in to the impulse. Juyeon meets him eagerly, immediately opens his mouth to allow Changmin access. He gently pushes Changmin back until he’s pinned between Juyeon’s body and the wall. Changmin throws his arms over Juyeon’s shoulders and presses closer to him; Juyeon’s hands slide to Changmin’s waist before one of them ventures further and slips under the hem of his t-shirt.

The skin on skin contact is electrifying. Changmin bites down on Juyeon’s lower lip and is rewarded with a low growly sound coming from the back of Juyeon’s throat that immediately travels through Changmin’s body down, down, down. It’s Changmin that pushes off the wall and walks Juyeon backwards towards his bed.

He knows they shouldn’t do this, knows it as he pushes Juyeon down on his bed and climbs into his lap, knows it as he lets Juyeon take off his shirt and trail kisses over his collarbone and down his chest. He knows they shouldn’t do this and he could blame it on the alcohol and leave it at that, but he’s not that drunk anyway and it’s been so long since he’s been with anyone that wasn’t his own hand and he’s tired and frankly quite lonely lately and still very positively in unrequited love with his best friend and he just–

He just _wants_ this.

🌙

The morning after is uncomfortable.

Changmin wakes up and finds himself in Juyeon’s embrace. It’s stuffy in the room and unbearably hot under the covers with Juyeon providing so much extra body heat. Changmin is sweaty and he feels gross and he can take it for only a couple of seconds. He tries not to wake Juyeon, but Juyeon stirs immediately as Changmin wraps his finger’s around Juyeon’s wrist to move his arm off of himself. Juyeon makes a soft noise – maybe a word, but nothing that Changmin can make out clearly – and offers Changmin a sleepy, warm smile.

Changmin tries not to look like he’s running away when he heads for the bathroom.

🌙

The talk is awkward.

When Changmin finally returns to the room – after stalling as much as he could allow himself before it became painfully obvious he was hiding – he finds Juyeon sitting at his own desk, doing something on his phone. He puts his phone down as soon as he sees Changmin, and gives him the same smile as before, the one that brightens his entire face somehow, that makes him look so – _delicate,_ and genuinely happy to see Changmin, and Changmin–

Changmin sighs, and silently tells himself to just get it over with. He says, slowly, carefully, “We should talk, I think.”

Juyeon turns in his chair so he’s fully facing him, “Okay.”

“Okay,” Changmin nods, and considers his words. He sits down on his bed, “Okay. I’m going to be honest with you,” he begins, trying to soften his words as he’s saying them, “I don’t think… I don’t– “ and he pauses, because he’s not sure how to say what he wants to say. He covers his face with his hands and laughs, “I’m quite embarrassed, actually.”

“There’s no need to be,” Juyeon says.

“It’s just that,” Changmin moves his hands away from his face, and runs one of them through his hair, thinking, “I don’t usually do this.” _This_ meaning hooking up with people, roommates or otherwise, and he hopes Juyeon will understand without him having to say it out loud, “And so I don’t know– “ He stops, thinks it over.

He doesn’t know what to do – he doesn’t know what people usually do, in these situations. Do you continue hooking up, do you start dating? Honestly, Changmin isn’t thrilled by either option. Continuing to sleep together sounds like a recipe for disaster, and the other option is not much better. He barely knows Juyeon, how is he to know if he would want to date him? And even if they did date, what if in a few weeks’ time they’d come to the conclusion that it’s not working out and they’d break up, and then they would be forced to live together for the rest of the academic year in what Changmin can only assume would be an incredibly awkward situation?

At this point, he figures there’s only one option that makes sense, and that’s to salvage their friendship before things go sour. He lets the question slip past his lips, “Can we just forget this happened?”

He notices that as he was speaking, Juyeon’s smile progressively disappeared off his face, leaving no trace that it was there in the first place. Changmin wonders what Juyeon was expecting. He doesn’t think Juyeon likes him – that is, in more than a purely physical way – and he almost asks about it, but he stops himself. He doesn’t want to complicate things further.

He feels relief wash through him when Juyeon nods.

It takes a few weeks for Changmin to stop feeling a bit flustered around Juyeon, but the fact that they have to share a living space helps. There is nowhere to run from him or hide away, and they both pretend that everything is okay and definitely-not-awkward until, eventually, it becomes true.

☀

“You are hopeless,” Younghoon’s voice is devoid of any sympathy.

“Oh, come on,” Changmin says. They are running laps around the football court at a leisurely pace so that they can talk. Younghoon is something of a confidante to Changmin; Changmin goes to him whenever he feels the need to get something off his chest, because he knows Younghoon will keep it to himself. Today, he told him all about Juyeon’s newest romantic exploit, and perhaps he did not mask the bitterness in his voice as well as he thought he did. “What am I supposed to do?”

“I told you before,” Younghoon says, “Just tell him how you feel.”

“No,” Changmin says immediately. They did have this talk before.

“Why not?”

“He’s my best friend,” Changmin answers.

Younghoon rolls his eyes, “He’s _Juyeon_.”

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Changmin responds, knowing what Younghoon is alluding to, “We’ve been friends for too long. I’m not going to mess it up.” He adds, almost miserably, “Not again.”

Younghoon regards him for a moment, then says in a voice that Changmin thinks is going for comfort, “Juyeon is not Chanhee.”

Changmin winces, “I know that.”

For a while, they run in silence.

🌙

For the longest time, Changmin was in love with his (now former) best friend.

Chanhee was his friend since the beginning of high school. They clicked together immediately; Changmin thinks that they were the definition of soulmates, in its purest form. They understood each other, got each other’s humor, and until university they were the perfect, inseparable duo.

Every one of their friends thought they would end up a happy couple. Every one of their friends was dead wrong.

Changmin knew that his feelings were not reciprocated, because he _knew_ Chanhee. He knew Chanhee cared for him, but he also knew that his affection was strictly platonic. Changmin was okay with it.

Well, Changmin was _mostly_ okay with it. He was in the process of getting over him – working on it hard, really – when he made the second most stupid decision of his freshman year.

He thought confessing would help him find his closure. He thought if he told Chanhee how he felt about him, a weight would be taken off his shoulders and he could finally put the whole thing behind him. He didn’t expect Chanhee to go along with it. He didn’t expect Chanhee to be open to the idea of dating him. _We can try it and see what happens,_ he said in his typical unaffected way, and Changmin was overwhelmed with surprise and happiness to stop and think more deeply about it and the consequences it could have.

But it was weird to date Chanhee. It was weird because they were just so used to being friends and nothing more; it got weirder after they got intimate. The morning after their first night together Changmin found himself alone in his bed, and Chanhee ignored all his calls and texts for a few days. It was painfully obvious that it was over and that he lost Chanhee, even though Changmin didn’t want to believe it at first.

After that, he spent a lot of time wishing he could go back in time and stop himself from ever allowing himself to tell Chanhee how he felt.

🌙

It was Juyeon that helped nurse Changmin’s lovesick, broken heart back to full health.

Changmin dealt with the situation the way he dealt with most anything – he threw on a smile and pretended everything was okay, even though it wasn’t. It was enough to fool most of his friends; it was almost enough to convince himself.

But not Juyeon.

Changmin and Chanhee kept their short relationship a secret. Their friends came to know about it only after the fact, when Changmin and Chanhee stopped hanging out, and the truth came forward. 

Juyeon noticed that Changmin was upset much more than he let on. At that point in time it was only Younghoon that knew about Changmin’s affection for Chanhee and how deep it really ran, but Juyeon seemed to pick up on it as well. Maybe it was because, in the safety of the dorm room, Changmin’s façade slipped and the hurt he felt was more visible.

Maybe it was because Juyeon knew, more than anyone else, what that hurt felt like.

He asked Changmin if he was okay and something about the genuine concern in his voice shattered something in Changmin. He ended up telling Juyeon everything – and _everything_ came down to _5 years of friendship, ruined –_ by the end of which Juyeon put his arms around Changmin’s shoulders and held him.

“I know what it’s like,” Juyeon said with so much sympathy it made Changmin sick to his stomach. “I’m sorry you had to go through it.”

He said it so honestly that Changmin believed without a single doubt that he meant it. That he really knew what it was like, this dull ache in his chest, this helpless sadness and inexplicable loneliness that ran rampant in Changmin’s body.

It all fucking sucked and Changmin hated it, but he hated even more that Juyeon – probably the nicest, sweetest guy Changmin ever had the chance to meet – had to suffer through it too. He was the last person on Earth to deserve such a thing.

🌙

The realization that he had feelings for Juyeon came out of nowhere. Falling for him happened imperceptibly, without Changmin knowing. Maybe, if he noticed it sooner, he would have been able to put to a stop to it in time to not let a slight infatuation evolve into more. As it was, though, Changmin messed up once more, and once again fell in love with his best friend.

Rinse and repeat.

It was a source of lament for him, for some time. It wasn’t smart to be in love with Juyeon, but Changmin has never claimed to be anything but dumb when it came to love. He thought back to the beginning of freshman year with some regret, wondering – what would have happened to him and Juyeon if they decided to give a relationship a try, could it have worked? Changmin knew by now that Juyeon was the sort to give any relationship a try, he liked people, genuinely, from the moment he met them.

If only Changmin wasn’t so – well.

It didn’t matter, anyway. It was too long ago, surely whatever romantic affection Juyeon harbored for Changmin back then – if any, really – was long gone by now.

Maybe it was better this way. Changmin wasn’t ready to lose another friend only because he wasn’t able to keep his emotions in check. Younghoon thought that Changmin had nothing to lose, but Changmin thought he stood to lose too much. It already happened once. He wasn’t going to allow it to happen again.

☀

Clearly, even though Changmin is adamant in keeping his feelings to himself, his drunken self has different ideas.

It goes like this:

The end of the first semester, third year. The last day of exams. That evening, the entire dorm seems to be alive with music, people coming in and out of rooms that they don’t live in, alcohol being smuggled in between bodies, in backpacks, and hiding under clothes.

Changmin meets up with Sangyeon and Jaehyun first and they do their usual rounds – fast food and cheap grocery store beer. At some point, Younghoon and Sunwoo join them. At another, there are more people, some Changmin’s met before, some that seem new – Haknyeon, Eric, Hyunjoon, and the joined-at-the-hip duo of Kevin and Jacob. They do come across Chanhee as well, because Chanhee is still friends with all of Changmin’s friends, and Changmin stands around while they talk, the two of them only exchanging an awkward smile and nod of acknowledgment when their gazes meet.

Then there’s Juyeon.

He meets the group when they’re on their way to some house party nearby, Jaehyun’s initiative. When they arrive, there is already a considerable crowd of people gathered both inside and outside by the pool. Their group splits, and Changmin sticks by Juyeon’s side.

The evening is going well, Changmin thinks. He and Juyeon get drinks, they make friends with some of the people at the party, and they generally have a good time of it.

Things start to go sideways when they migrate from inside the house to the pool in the yard. It’s a hot summer’s evening, the air warm and humid. They are standing by the pool with Younghoon and Eric when out of nowhere Younghoon pushes Changmin in. It happens so fast and so suddenly that Changmin has time only to flail and let out a surprised cry before he hits the water and goes under.

He breaks the surface and looks at Younghoon, and incredulous laugh escaping him, “What the hell?”

Younghoon and Eric are doubled over laughing, and Juyeon, too, is smiling. Eric manages to wheeze out, “You should have seen your face.”

Changmin tries to splash water over him in retaliation, but Eric moves out of the way. Juyeon, too busy watching Changmin, doesn’t notice when Younghoon moves behind him to push him in as well.

Juyeon hits the water with a huge splash. He quickly comes back out and tries to grab for Younghoon’s foot from the edge, but Younghoon swiftly sidesteps out of the way, still laughing.

Juyeon leans against the edge of the pool with a sigh. It’s only then that Changmin’s attention is diverted. Juyeon’s wet t-shirt is clinging to his body in ways that perfectly accentuate his lean muscles, and Changmin doesn’t feel like laughing anymore. He realizes that he’s been staring for a second too long when Juyeon meets his eyes, but he is saved by the sound (and laughter) of Eric falling into the pool as well.

The moment passes, but it feels like something within Changmin has been shaken loose. He does his utmost to ignore the rattling feeling, but it only intensifies as the night goes on, and comes to a peak when Changmin spots Juyeon flirting with some guy at the edge of the living room.

Changmin doesn’t like to overindulge in alcohol, but he allows himself an exception just then.

That’s as much of the night as he can recall the following day.

☀

Changmin wakes up the next day with the greatest migraine of his life.

For a while, he just lies on his bed unmoving, with his eyes firmly shut. He knows he’s not alone in the room because he hears the tap-tap-tapping of Juyeon’s fingers on the keyboard of his laptop. Changmin’s head is pounding so hard it feels like it is going to explode; his throat feels parched. Interestingly, he notices, his elbow and arm also hurt.

When he finally opens his eyes, he does so groaning. He tries to sit up and barely manages. He finds a full cup of water waiting on his bedside table, and figures Juyeon must have left it there for him. He drinks all of it in one go. As he does, Juyeon turns to watch him, greeting him a “good morning,” with a smirk gracing his lips, but something about his expression strikes Changmin as – off.

He does not have the energy to try to analyze it further, though. He puts the empty cup back on the bedside table, and slumps back onto his pillow. He sighs, “I think I’m dying.”

He spends the rest of the day sleeping his hangover off.

☀

Juyeon leaves the room in the early evening – Changmin is woken by the sound of the door closing behind him – and returns some time later with take-out boxes in his hands.

Changmin does not feel like eating just yet, but his growling stomach demands food anyway. Juyeon puts on some YouTube video on his laptop – some new game that everyone has been playing lately – that they watch while they silently eat. The throbbing in Changmin’s skull has considerably eased. He also notes is that his right arm is bandaged near the elbow, and his forearm is marked with scratches, like he dragged it over the pavement.

“What’s this?” he asks then, surprise coloring his voice.

Juyeon looks over to him, then at the bandage. Then back at Changmin. “You fell on the way here last night. Your elbow was bleeding.”

“Fell,” Changmin echoes, taken aback. No wonder his arm has been hurting, then. “Shit. I don’t remember.”

Juyeon watches him, and still he has that weird expression on his face. He looks wary, somehow. Changmin’s gut squirms. “What do you remember?” Juyeon asks slowly.

Changmin tries to think. “Jaehyun’s friend’s house. The pool. Some drinking games in the backroom. Then– “ he pauses, recalling seeing Juyeon and that guy in the living room, “not that much, after that.”

“Really?” Juyeon asks, “Not anything?”

“Why?” Changmin doesn’t like that expression on Juyeon’s face. It makes him feel uneasy. “What happened? Did I do something?”

Juyeon’s answer comes a split-second too late, “No.” Changmin’s stomach drops.

“What did I do?” he asks, dreading the answer.

Juyeon shakes his head, “Nothing.”

“Just tell me,” Changmin presses.

A pause, then Juyeon starts, “You just– “ and cuts himself off. Another silent moment passes. “You kissed me.”

Changmin feels faint. He closes his eyes. No. _No no no._

There is a moment of silence. Changmin can feel his migraine threatening to come back. “Was there–“ He begins, already wishing he didn’t speak at all. “Anything else?”

“You mean besides us kissing? No,” Juyeon answers, voice kept carefully inflectionless. “No, I stopped it before it could go any further.”

Changmin sits there, quiet, heart beating bruises into the inside of his ribcage. Juyeon seems to be waiting for a reply. He says, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t— I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“You were pretty out of it,” Juyeon says, running a hand through his hair, “If you don’t even remember it.”

Changmin doesn’t. He is racking his brain for the memory, but it’s simply missing, only a black void where most of the events of last night should be.

“I don’t, but I’m sorry,” he says, “I shouldn’t have done that.”

Juyeon nods, acknowledging the apology. At least Juyeon isn’t angry with him. He doesn’t know what he would do if Juyeon was angry.

“I just want to know–“ Juyeon starts, uncertainty lacing his voice, “why did you do it?”

Changmin shakes his head, helpless. “I don’t know,” he says, “I was drunk. Drunk people do stupid things?”

“That’s true,” Juyeon agrees, “But you’re not drunk now. Why do you think you did it, then?”

“I don’t know,” Changmin repeats, lying through his teeth. “Why does it matter?”

“I guess…” Juyeon says, “I guess I’m trying to be selfish.”

The words don’t really make sense, at first. Changmin sits there stunned for too long, so Juyeon continues, “So I just want to know what this means to you, you kissing me.”

“What it means to me,” Changmin echoes, so lost, trying to process.

“Is it casual for you? Is it just because I’m here, and you know that I’m–“ he stops whatever he was about to say. “I just want to know what you think, and I don’t– I don’t want freshman year happening all over again.”

Changmin’s head is spinning. “Then,” he breathes out, “What _do_ you want?”

Juyeon meets his eyes, and for a moment holds Changmin’s gaze. There is something on his face that Changmin cannot place. He seems like he’s considering something, and then the corners of his mouth turn upwards in a tiny, shy and embarrassed smile, “If I say I want you to be my boyfriend, will it be too cheesy?”

“Don’t joke like that,” Changmin says, because there is no way Juyeon just said that and meant it–

“I’m not,” Juyeon replies, and even though he still has that smile on his face, Changmin believes him, “I’m totally serious.”

Changmin’s mind is running a mile a minute and nothing is making sense. “Since when?” he asks, letting the tail end of that sentence hang in the air between them. _Since when do_ you _want_ me?

“What do you mean since when? Since forever ago,” Juyeon answers, and now the smile slips from his face.

Changmin feels like he can’t breathe. “You never said anything.”

Juyeon says, “I thought you knew.”

Changmin shakes his head, “I didn’t.”

“Okay,” Juyeon says, standing up and walking from his desk closer to where Changmin is sitting on his bed. He stops in front of Changmin, and watches as Changmin instinctively gets to his feet as well.

“You know now,” Juyeon says, “So what’s your answer?”

Changmin feels like he’s going to jump out of his skin. It all feels a bit unreal, like he’s dreaming. Maybe he is. He says, “I also don’t want what happened in freshman year to happen again.”

“Yeah?” Juyeon moves closer, just the tiniest bit. Changmin’s heartbeat stutters. “Then what _do_ you want?”

Changmin closes the remaining distance between them and kisses him.

Changmin has replayed their last kiss – and more – in his head countless times over the course of the past half a year. It was the only thing he had, the memory of their one night together; everything tinted by heat and need and a bit of desperation.

This kiss is different. Softer, slower. It’s every confession that didn’t make it past Changmin’s lips, everything he wants to say now but can’t manage. It’s all of his feelings that he’s kept hidden for so long. It’s all of Juyeon’s feelings, too, that he’s been keeping to himself since – _since forever ago._ Since freshman year then, Changmin figures.

Changmin winds his arms around Juyeon’s torso, and though he’d love nothing more than to keep kissing him, he also needs to breathe. They separate, and Changmin buries his face in the juncture between Juyeon’s neck and shoulder, nuzzling in. Juyeon moves his hands to hug Changmin around his shoulders.

For a while, they stay like that, soaking each other in.

Then Changmin murmurs against the fabric of Juyeon’s t-shirt, “I can’t believe I kissed you yesterday and I don’t remember a single second of it.”

It makes Juyeon laugh – Changmin feels it through his body. “You can kiss me again now.”

And without hesitating, Changmin does.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on twitter if u want id love to talk!! [twitter](https://twitter.com/kunyongx)   
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/neocxxlture)


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